In 2013, my Kansas City Chiefs earned (successfully failed into) the No. 1 pick in the NFL Draft. In most years, this is an opportunity to get a game-changing quarterback or an elite pass rusher. But 2013 turned out not to be that type of year. The two best choices (at the time) were two offensive tackles, Eric Fisher and Luke Joeckel. While history has shown the Chiefs chose the greater of those two choices, neither has particularly been the sort of cornerstone, team-changing player that one would hope for at the top of the draft. In fact, the whole of the 2013 draft was... subpar. Of the top 10 picks, only 1-2 have made the impact expected. A year earlier, and the Chiefs get a great quarterback. A year later, they get a great pass rusher.
And that's my point: Some years are better than others. When this year's Name of the Year bracket came out, a quick glance told me that it wasn't as good as other years. There are some standouts — just like in the 2013 NFL Draft — but on the whole, it's just not as strong as usual. I don't know why that is, but both Alyson and I made that observation independently.
But that doesn't mean I'm not going to spend time overanalyzing something silly like this. I need this. I NEED THIS. I need to not worry about the Schrodinger's Cat of Obama wiretapping Trump Tower. I need to distract myself, if only for a few minutes, from the not-a-Muslim-ban-but-kind-of-anyway executive orders. I need to forget the chaos rumbling from the White House for just a week or two. I need to set aside my fears about the Republican health care plan until the dust settles. Maybe you do, too.
So with all that said, here's the 2nd annual Name of the Year Bracket Breakdown, still believed to be the only such analysis of the Name of the Year Bracket in the world. Click the link to see the bracket.
Bulltron Regional
If you had to name the No. 1 overall seed, it's probably Bulltron top seed Kobe Buffalomeat. Alyson and I heard that name earlier in the year and thought "That's a great NOTY name." He'll move to the second round. I have Cherish Bloodgood winning her first round, too. The first upset I have is 12-seed Clapperton Mavhunga over the overrated 5-seed Svengali Matari Brownlee. While Rushmore Cervantes is a fine 4-seed, I am calling the upset: Melanie Gubbels Bupp as a 13-seed. That two-name combo makes me giggle, though the first name adds little. I've got YourMajesty Lumpkins edging out Tutz Honeychurch, and both H. King Buttermore III and BonJovi Hardeman easily moving on. The best Bulltron matchup is Alpha McMath v. Guy Hands. I love the name Guy Hands more than I should, but I feel like the voters will give the edge to Alpha McMath. In the second round, I've got Kobe Buffalomeat and Melanie Gubbels Bupp moving on, with Kobe Buffalomeat making the regional finals (the top of the Bulltron is weak, Buffalomeat aside). I see YourMajesty Lumpkins topping Alpha McMath and the nostalgia of BonJovi Hardeman moving him on. Despite the upsets early, I see BonJovi Hardeman moving on to the finals before losing to the top seeded Kobe Buffalomeat, because two good names are better than one.
Sithole Regional
Last year's Sithole was weak. This year, I think it's the strongest, top to bottom. Top seed Marmaduke Trebilcock and 2 seed (and possible relative of the regional's namesake?) Fortunate Sithole both should waltz into the second round. I see the rhyming of Tony Orlandoni also advancing. I think the name synergy of Hella Jongerius works better than Di Cerulean Stylo, and the advanced degree of Dr. Prospero Gogo helps him move to the second round, too. The 3-4 seeds are really strong in this region in Dick Posthumus and Faraj Fartass, both of whom should advance to the second round. The best Sithole matchup is Heavenly Joy Jerkins and Tugg Snowbarger. If I'm being serious, I think Heavenly Joy Jerkins wins for the multiple name effect. But I am partial to Tugg Snowbarger, and these are my picks, dang it! Snowbarger moves on. Trebilcock and Sithole should both make it to the Sweet 16 without problems. The same goes for Dick Posthumous and Faraj Fartass. It seems weird to have all the top four seeds move on, but the top four are great in this region. Although Fartass is an all-time hilarious last name, Fortunate Sithole has a two-name combo, whereas Faraj adds nothing. Sithole advances to the finals. The toughest call is Dick Posthumus-Marmaduke Trebilcock. Both have funny genitalia references. Both have depth beyond a penis joke, though. But Marmaduke Trebilcock is poised for a deep, deep run, so he advances and takes down Fortunate Sithole, who — first name aside — we've seen before.
Dragonwagon Regional
There are a few great names here, but I think this is a weak region, particularly the top half. Chardonnay Pantastico is my least favorite of the top seeds, but she has a favorable draw into the Sweet 16. For the record, I think Windy Swetman III loses to Pantastico in the second round. I see upsets by both 12-seed Demon Clowney and 13-seed Christian Joo. Easily the most underrated name this year was Andy Brandy Casagrande IV, who the committee made a 6 seed (!). That name should be a 2 or a 3! In fact, I have him beating out Chito Peppler in the next round, too. 2-seed Sultan McDoom is set up for a good run, and I have him trouncing Cash Masters in the second round. To finish up the second round, I see Demon Clowney working as a better two-name combo than Christian Joo. If not for the first name-last name combo, Christian Joo isn't particularly funny on either side. In fact, I'm calling the upset: Demon Clowney over Chardonnay Pantastico in the Sweet 16. The hardest pick I'm making this entire tournament is Andy Brandy Casagrande IV v. Sultan McDoom. Both have nearly everything I want in a NOTY naminee: silliness of the name, added bonus ("IV" v. "Mc") and both halves of the name adding something. My head says Sultan McDoom. My heart says Andy Brandy Casagrande IV (I hope he pronounces the last name Cass-a-grand-EE for rhyming purposes). I'm going Sultan McDoom, but I don't feel good about it. Sultan McDoom should thump Demon Clowney in the finals.
Chrotchtangle Regional
The bottom half of this region is loaded. The top half is forgettable. Top seed Quindarious Monday should skip to the Sweet 16, beating Edzard Overbeek in the second round. I've got the oddity of the first name of Jeffrosenberg Tan moving on to the Sweet 16, also beating the not-particularly strong 4-seed Dallas Creamer in the second round. In the bottom half, the two easy picks are Teena Touch and Aphrodite Bodycomb to move on to the second round. The two best matches in the first round are here: Eliza Fox Teats v. Boats Botes and La'Genius Wisdom Williams v. Taco Dibbits. I've got Taco Dibbits moving on, but let's focus on the Eliza Fox Teats-Boats Botes matchup a second. I think the winner of this first-round match goes on to the Final Four. If Boats Botes beats Eliza Fox Teats, he can beat anyone. The same is true in reverse. Sometimes the commenters give clues, and this year they don't help much: Many love Boats Botes, but feel Eliza Fox Teats is the only name good enough to beat him. Fortune favors the bold: Boats Botes wins (I've gone back and forth on this multiple times, so apologies to Ms. Fox Teats). Boats Botes should beat Teena Touch in the second round and Taco Dibbits will fall just short of upsetting Aphrodite Bodycomb. Quindarious Monday is a week 1 seed, but there's no good challenger in the top half. He makes the finals. As I said: the Boats Botes-Eliza Fox Teats winner wins the regional finals. Boats Botes tops both Aphrodite Bodycomb and Quindarious Monday to make the Final Four.
Final Four
Kobe Buffalomeat and Marmaduke Trebilcock is a classic Final Four matchup of 1 seeds. Boats Botes-Sultan McDoom is 2-14 matchup. Yet both are incredibly hard to decide. While Kobe Buffalomeat is from nearby Lawrence, I think Marmaduke Trebilcock is stronger thanks to the three-syllable synergy. Sadly, the Cinderella run of Boats Botes ends here, as Sultan McDoom is a beautiful name with a great first, last and out-of-nowhere bonus ("Mc"). But the comic strip character/musical key/genitalia reference is too strong to top this year: Marmaduke Trebilcock is my pick for name of the year.
Summary Judgments
I am not an expert on the military. Which is why I've loved reading the folks at Foxtrot Alpha and their wonderful ongoing analysis of American capabilities, vulnerabilities and unnecessary expenditures in the Armed Forces. This recent entry on the new aircraft carrier being built explained in clear terms why what we're really building is a very expensive target for our superpower rivals. • • • There's a song by Vampire Weekend wherein the chorus starts: "Who gives a **** about an Oxford comma?" Well, here's your answer: Maine dairy drivers. • • • Just to let you know: I'm working on an observation/criticism of journalism, but I need to let the news play out a bit before I go all-out with it. As a teaser, here's the working title: Schrodinger's Truth. • • • I went on vacation and got pretty sick the first few days. At one point, I debated if I had the energy to go upstairs and take Tylenol. But by Wednesday I was feeling better. The weather on vacation was balmy -- in the 60s and 70s all week. That made for a rude awakening for my first race of the year: a 4-miler in Westport when it was snowing the whole race. BOO! But I finished the run in 45:15, which I was happy with, since my goal was 46:00. I'm taking this week off on running before picking back up next week. I'm looking forward to warmer weather. My next race is at the end of April. • • • Roland's been particularly difficult to deal with lately, so we're trying to change some of our approaches. He slept through the night two nights ago, so we were hoping it was the start of a trend. Then, last night he wakes up screaming again. We are really trying not to go in every time he wakes up, so we let him cry a while. Eventually Alyson goes in, and... he had a massive nosebleed. So much so that it look like he was in a pie eating contest. That's not something any parent really wants to wake up to: child covered in blood and screaming. He did it again later in the night, but with a much smaller nosebleed. We have a cool mist humidifier in his room, but he often screams about it at bedtime: "No Smoke! I don't want the smoke!" Dealing with him (moreso than Evie) lately has been like trying to traipse through a minefield. Any wrong step could set him off.
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