Bulltron Regional
Tillmann Buttersack should waltz to the second round easily, as 1 seeds should. Meanwhile, the underrated (9 seed? Really?) Jasmine Albuquerque-Croissant should move on, too. While Duffy McSwiggin is a great name on St. Patrick's Day, Burm Snart is one of those one-syllable names that stand out. Neither's a word, and both are funny. Brodarious Hamm and Onno Hoes should make quick work of their first-round opponents. While Tchaikovsky Cantalicio has a delicious Russian-Italian mix, I don't think it's enough for the alliterative-sounding last name of Charol Shakeshaft. The surprise in this part of the bracket will be the splendid Furious Carney in an upset. The story behind Sicnarf Loopstok (read the name backwards) should be enough to advance over the best 15-seed, Chizu Shimizu Buckalew. In round 2, I think Jasmine Albuquerque-Croissant will pull off the upset, while Brodarious Hamm moves on as well. I see Charol Shakeshaft moving on while Furious Carney is one of those names whose last name builds on the first. I've got them moving on, then beating Shakeshaft to make the Elite 8. Brodarious Hamm has two good names, but Jasmine Albuquerque-Croissant has three. In a rare 9-seed v. 10-seed matchup, I have Furious Carney winning the Bullhorn.
Sithole Regional
This is easily the weakest regional. 1-seed Pope McCorkle III should advance, as will 8-seed Oozi Cats. Dr. Kim Nazi will walk past Saint Schwing into the second round. Snookie Catholique will prove no match for the happy-to-be-here Boy Waterman, while Cosmo Bjorkenheim will jet into the next round, too. Scholastique Koolimo should advance with the double-weird name over Zulaika Mook. The simple hilarity of Dick Tips will win out to meet 2-seed Attila Freska, a round one winner. In the Round of 32, Pope McCorkle III will use a Catholic-Irish combination to advance, while Dr. Kim Nazi will use her doctorate edge to move on. Cosmo Bjorkenheim's astral-Swedish combination will boost him (her? I don't know) on to face Dick Tips, who will pull off a minor upset. Pope McCorkle III has both a funny first and last name, giving them the edge over Dr. Kim Nazi (not a funny first name). While Dick Tips puts in a valiant effort, genitalia jokes usually only last so far. Therefore, Cosmo Bjorkenheim will advance. I expect Pope McCorkle III to prove worthy of a 1 seed in a weak regional, using generational power to win.
Dragonwagon Regional
Whereas the Sithole was weak, the Dragonwagon is stacked. Joylord Gumbie should be enough as a one-seed for the first round, and Taco Pope should win out, getting a victory over JoJo Victory. Lt. Charlene Sprinkle-Huff will pull out the 12-5 upset, while Dr. Shark Bird proves no match for Rusty Justice. Howdy Goudey should dominate the first round, as should Oscar-sounding DiCaprio Bootle. The Ransom Barefoot-IV Seacat matchup is a coin toss, but I give the edge to Barefoot. Finally, Inta Mulch will move on as a 2-seed. Taco Pope should upset Gumbie in round 2, while Dr. Shark Bird will be too much for Sprinkle-Huff, who really only has one great name. The rhyme of Goudey will prove too much for DiCaprio Bootle. I've also got Inta Mulch moving on in the bottom of the regional. The Taco Pope-Dr. Shark Bird matchup will prove beautiful to any Name of the Year purists out there should it happen. As much as I like the idea of Mexican-flavored vestments, I give the edge to the mental imagery of Dr. Shark Bird. I've also got Howdy Goudey coming out of the bottom of the bracket, despite the 1-2 punch of Inta Mulch. The rhyming Howdy Goudey will be no match for the deadly wings of Dr. Shark Bird.
Crotchtangle Regional
A mix of great names and weak names in the Crotchtangle, but the top seeds should dominate. Shuntavyious Primes-Willes is a great 1-seed, and will advance to face Tre McKitty, who will win his first-round matchup. Divine Deablo will dominate the first round, while Jorja Pound Turnipseed should pull off a first-round upset over Jasmine Squirrel (only one good name, and the two names aren't really good together). Muna Tuna-Langstaff Dickerson is a great first-round pairing, but I give the edge to Dickerson. Sweet Orefice is underrated as a 3 seed, and should easily beat Peola Smith-Smith. I've also got Mighty Fine and Bevis Mugabi winning to round out the first round. Shuntavyious Primes-Willes looks to have enough to make the Sweet 16 against a weak Tre McKitty, while Divine Deablo should make easy work, too. Sweet Orefice has great name synergy, compared to Langstaff Dickerson. Bevis Mugabi has enough '90s-themed names to advance past Mighty Fine. I've got the oxymoronic Divine Deablo (5-seed) and Sweet Orefice (3-seed) pulling off upsets in the Sweet Sixteen over the regional's top seeds. But while genitalia jokes are usually short-lived, Sweet Orefice will prove the exception.
Final Four
There are no losers here. Furious Carney has perfect, hilarious name synergy. But that's all it's got going for him. Pope McCorkle III is my last one-seed standing, and he earns a trip to the finals with not only individually funny names, but the fact that two other people named their son Pope McCorkle. Remember what I said about genitalia jokes? This is where that comes into play. Sweet Orefice is no match for Dr. Shark Bird. A finals of Dr. Shark Bird v. Pope McCorkle III is the match we've been waiting for all year. On one hand, beautiful mental imagery of a shark with wings wearing a stethoscope. On the other, an Irishman wearing an askew pope hat, with his dad and grandpa standing behind him. In the end, I've got to go with Dr. Shark Bird, because I think a doctor-educated Shark Bird would beat a third-generational Irish pope in a fight.
SCOTUS' Honor
The battle to nominate and approve a replacement for Justice Antonin Scalia continues to rage. Well, that's not exactly true. President Obama nominated Merrick Garland for Supreme Court Justice on Wednesday. Now comes the question of Senate approval, which appears dead in the water at this point.
Garland is as an olive branch offering for a President who didn't have to make one. And the GOP is burning the branch. There are two reasons Garland is an olive branch: 1) He's old for a Supreme Court nominee at age 63. He's the eighth-oldest nominee ever, which would limit his time on the bench if approved. 2) He's a non-minority moderate, limiting embarrassment for the GOP.
The GOP has put themselves in an unlikely-to-win scenario:
1) Democrat wins Presidency, Democrats take over Senate. Clinton or Sanders likely to nominate someone even more liberal, knowing they can get the person approved. Court tips 5-4 to moderate/liberals.
2) Democrat wins Presidency, GOP hangs onto Senate. Clinton or Sanders likely to nominate someone more liberal but also qualified (Srinivasan? Watford?). GOP can't prevent a moderate nominee for four years. Court tips 5-4 to moderate/liberals.
3)
4) GOP wins the Presidency, keeps control of Senate. Conservative judge nominated. This is the only scenario in which things work out for the GOP. But it also means putting faith in Donald Trump. God help us all.
Summary Judgments
Ever wondered what would happen if you were pulled over for speeding on the way to a bathroom? If you guessed "Peeing and pooping in a police car," you guessed right. • • • Remember all that freaking out we did about the stock market at the beginning of the year? Well, the stock market bounced back, pretty under the radar. • • • Recently, we had a case where the defendant married the main witness to prevent her from testifying against him. That's small potatoes for what's going on in Brazil. • • • I'm really excited to find out what's in King Tut's Chamber of Secrets. • • • The kids had surgery to get tubes in their ears on Wednesday. Roland freaked out before the surgery, and Evie was calm. After the surgery, he was cool as a cucumber while she screamed and writhed around. They're total opposites.
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