Thursday, June 2, 2016

Sesame Street Muppets, Ranked and Annotated

Most days, Roland and/or Evie will let us know what they want by shouting "ELMO!" or "ABBY!" They also know the names of "Bibber (Big Bird)," "Gwover," Telly and can do the Count laugh. Because we've watched so much Sesame Street, the best and worst current muppets on Sesame Street are quite clear. I'm not counting family members like Elmo's Dad or one-off characters like Dan Rather-Not and Donald Grump (both Grouches). I'm also not counting non-talking pets like Ovejita (Murray's little lamb) or Slimey (Oscar's pet worm). This list is only recurring, often-used or main characters that are still in use.

1. Cookie Monster -- The best. He can be both the straight man or play silly. Often uses words or phrases you wouldn't expect for a pre-school age show, like "horn of dilemma." Often makes sense before devolving into chaos (Example: Upon being warned not to eat letter of the day, he says, "Me Cookie Monster, not Letter Monster." Of course, he soon eats the letter anyway). Can be quite sweet when paired with children. He's proven to be intelligent, just with a fatal flaw of being unable to control himself around cookies.

2. Baby Bear -- He's the Baby Bear from fairy tales, but he's also simply interesting. He cares deeply for his family and is also one of the more creative characters on the show. He's often painting or writing a story or taking care of his sister. He also uses relatively big words on occasion and is pretty even-keeled. Only downside is the speech impediment, but I find it charming. You just imagine he has a rich life when the camera's not on him.

3. Oscar the Grouch -- Speaking of someone with a rich life, Oscar is awesome. He has a pet, and reads it bedtime stories. His trash can is practically a TARDIS of trash (it's bigger on the inside). He has a girlfriend, Grundgetta. He has a worldview that is different from the other muppets. He shines because of the contrast.

4. Abby Cadabby -- Her name is a take on abracadabra. I expected to hate her, because she's pink and a fairy and has freckles and seems a little twee. But although she's a girly-girl, she's not over-the-top. Very excitable, but also an independent thinker and leader. She has a unique look, I think. She works well when paired with nearly any other muppet or human. Biggest downside is that her animated segment, "Abby's Flying Fairy School," has her often say the word "twinklethink," which hurts my brain.

5. Telly -- Not the flashiest muppet, but his neuroses and excitement often drive the action. He can be both the straight man when paired with someone like Oscar or the silly man when paired with his best friend, Baby Bear. He goes all-in and is a member of several clubs, like the Triangle Lovers Club and the Grouchketeers. Whereas Baby Bear is even-keeled, Telly is far more emotional. He's a vital player on the Sesame Street stage.

6. Grover -- He was a much bigger deal when I was a kid. Voiced by Frank Oz (also Miss Piggy and Yoda), he's pretty recognizable. "Sweet and lovable" is how he describes himself, and it's accurate. He often hosts global segments, which shows he's well-traveled. He simply wants to help, whether as Grover or Super Grover, but his tragic flaw is he's not good at helping. Can be frustrated, but remains determined. He also thinks he has all the answers, but rarely does. He's pretty relatable given everything. His speech tics are subtly hilarious (long gap between Sup and Er in Super Grover, no contractions).

7. Murray -- I'd never heard of him until we started watching with the kids. Turns out, he's kind of cool. He can play straight or silly. He is the muppet most often seen away from Sesame Street, going on remote segments or asking people on the street questions. He has a little lamb named Ovejita that is his best friend. Unfortunately, because he doesn't really interact with other muppets, so he's also kind of isolated. His role could be done by other muppets, but that doesn't mean he's not enjoyable.

8. Big Bird -- Kind of aloof, but endearingly wide-eyed. When he walks, he often sings "La-la-la." It's cute. He's a little detached from the craziness of the world, but is very expressive. When the show wants a big emotional moment, he's usually the best candidate. He's got a best friend in Snuffy, and a teddy bear named Radar (Radar > Ernie's rubber ducky). The reason he's low on the list is that he doesn't appear as much anymore.

9. Bert -- The straight man to Ernie's insanity. I'll get into his and Ernie's dynamic more in the Ernie portion, but Bert's entirely sympathetic. He has hobbies like reading or collecting bottle caps, and also loves pigeons. His unibrow is one of the most expressive portions of any muppet's face. He's got a rich life, but Ernie just keeps barging in and ruining it. He should probably be in the top half, but he's not a muppet that can stand on his own.

10. Count Von Count -- He has one trick, but man, does he do it well. He has a girlfriend, the Countess Von Backwards (heh). He never really changes, though. He's got a stylish cape and nice wing-tip shoes (I just got that... ha!). He rocks the monocle. His job is to come in, do his one thing, then leave. You rarely get tired of him, but you also never get much of him. After him, there's a sizeable drop in awesomeness.

11. Rosita -- It's easy to describe her as "the bilingual muppet." She first appeared in 1991 (!), but I hadn't heard of her until we started watching recently. She often uses Spanish when it's kind of weird, like "astronauta," then explaining that it means astronaut. Seriously. She plays the guitar. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of personality to describe other than "she speaks Spanish, too." I like her, but the more I think of it, I'm not sure why.

12. Zoe -- She's not annoying, which is a positive. She likes to dance and has a pet rock named Rocco. Although I've never seen it, she drives a Zoemobile. That's about all there is to her. Kind of forgettable. She, Rosita and Abby hang out together a lot, but Zoe has the least personality of the three.

13. Ernie -- My biggest disappointment in watching modern Sesame Street is this guy. I used to love Ernie. Now, he seems mean. He's a terrible friend to Bert, constantly interrupting Bert's life so he can sing to him or tell him to wake up or to tell Bert to stop enjoying his hobbies. He and Bert need to separate, because Ernie's actually quite charming with Big Bird during the "Journey to Ernie" segments or when he's singing on his own. One other note: His limbs are creepily disproportional to his body.

14. Prairie Dawn -- The original straight man, she's best when paired with Cookie Monster. She goes out of her way to make sure the letter/cookie doesn't get eaten, then gets flustered when it inevitably does. She also writes pageants and plays for her friends. She's not all that funny on her own, but is good at setting up other muppets.

15. Aloysius Snuffleupagus -- He has a first name! Rarely on the show anymore. Seems pretty dimwitted even by show standards. His role is relegated to "Big Bird's friend" almost exclusively now.

16. Elmo -- THE DIRT WORST. Everything revolves around him. The show often feels like "Elmo's Sesame Street," because he's practically in everything. "Elmo's World" takes up the latter quarter of every episode, even when he stars in the episode. His voice is shrill. He asks Mr. Noodle questions like "How do you go to sleep?", then corrects him on the right way to do it (If you knew how to do it, why did you ask?). He asks questions of babies — they never respond, then he laughs and gives the baby a kiss, which is just a waste of time. He sings almost every song to the tune of Jingle Bells. He's precocious and curious, but shoved down our throat too much. Of course, he's my kids' favorite.

Summary Judgments

I've seen a few people say that President Obama apologized to Japan when he visited Hiroshima recently. Read his words. I see no apology.  •  •  •   The Undefeated took a look at how much the vitriol targeted at Obama has been because he is black. It's a good question, and the best answer is "certainly some, but how much?"  •  •  •  My training for a 5K is going very well. The mud/obstacle 5K is next Saturday, and I've run 2.75 miles twice this week. Today, I ran that distance in a little over 30 minutes, meaning I had about an 11-minute/mile pace. Not bad, for being horribly out of shape when I started.  •  •  •  One of the kids' teachers caught them hitting or something, and told them we need to be nice to our siblings. She demonstrated this by lightly patting their heads and saying, "Nice." Now when we tell them to be nice to each other, they almost always go: "Nice," then gently pat the other on the head. It's cute, even if I know they were turds seconds before.

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